Upon meeting Robin, her energy will immediately bring a smile to your face. She is passionate and to the point, whether she’s speaking about herself or her love for her children. She knows how to speak articulately, and yet her experience through the last few years of her life lends an empathetic tone when she is speaking to someone about addiction.  She has been through it all…loss, recovery, and a comeback worthy of applause and recognition.

On May 15th, 2019, Urban Peaks Rehab’s Brittany Kitchens had the pleasure of listening to her story firsthand.  We are so honored to give her the chance to share her experience and pass along her knowledge to others who may be struggling as well.

Brittany: What’s your name and where did you grow up?
Robin: My name is Robin Espinosa, and I grew up in northeastern New Mexico.
Brittany: And how long have you been off of illicit opioids?
Robin: Six months.
Brittany: Go ahead and give me a little bit of history, what age did you start using, what was it that kind of started you using?
Robin: Let’s see, probably around 13 or 14 when I started using alcohol. I was also using marijuana as well. I started off as a really bad alcoholic. And then I found Alcoholics Anonymous and from that point on, I didn’t drink, I didn’t take a pill. I used nothing, not even marijuana. I was completely clean from the age of 22 until I turned 37.
I started using pills when I was 32 years old, and the first thing I was ever prescribed was opioids for a back injury. The doctors changed my prescription over to stronger opioids, and I was on that medication for about 7 years, but then they just abruptly took me off. At that point, I felt I had no other option but to go to heroin, so that’s when I started using heroin and buying pills on the street. I ended up basically selling everything in my house to get whatever I could get so I didn’t get sick.
Brittany: At what point did you realize that you needed to get some help for addiction?
Robin: I knew that I had a problem, because at one point I had 15 years sober in Alcoholics Anonymous. I knew at around three years into the pills, I knew there was something wrong. I knew it, but it didn’t matter. At this point I’m heavily addicted already and don’t care. But I went all those years, and when they say a belly full of alcohol and a head full of AA is miserable. It did bother me, because of what I knew was true. I knew it was true, I knew it was wrong for me to be doing it. But the using had my mind so clouded that it just didn’t matter.
Brittany: and what other treatments have you tried?
Robin: In 2014, I found a medication assisted treatment program in Westminster and I just couldn’t grasp the concept of recovery, it worked but the desire to use was more powerful than it was to be sober. So I kept going back and forth (between using and taking my medication). Finally they ended up releasing me at that clinic for the liability that was involved in it. So then I started using again, and I found another clinic. I did better there, I was able to kind of quit using and then use the Suboxone, and then I still just had a really hard time grasping that sobriety, at least up until the late part of last year, early part of this year I was finally able to stay off. If I made it a month, it was a miracle. So this is the first time ever that I’ve ever really had any time at all since I started using opioids. So now I feel like I’m more stable, and when things go wrong, I don’t automatically jump to go use. I try to work through it.
Brittany: So what year did you get sober the first time?
Robin: In 1990. It was in 2005 that I hit 15 years. That’s when I hurt my back. I think it was about a year after my youngest son was born. And they said they thought it was due to the epidural. At the time I didn’t have any insurance, so that was the option I had, either painkillers or therapy or both, but I couldn’t afford both.
Brittany: So then from 2005-2014, you were stuck in active addiction to painkillers and/or heroin. Any other drug use? Stimulants?
Robin: No, none at all. I’ve never had a desire to use those drugs.
Brittany: What victories or successes have you experienced in recovery, outside of just being able to stay clean?
Robin: I’ve been able to start off my own business, my cleaning business. I don’t have a lot of clients at this point, but just having that start is a success for me. I spent a lot of years just sitting around, getting high. And getting nothing accomplished. And I’m also going back to college too. That’ll start in the fall of this year. I’m going to go back to finish my degree in criminal justice. So that’s an accomplishment. It’s hard to get into the criminal justice system without having a degree, and that’s what I want to do.
Brittany: So you’re going to be going in for your bachelor’s degree in criminal justice? Is there any particular field that you want to enter into?
Robin: Probably addiction studies, that way I can work with other people who are struggling. Where I really want to go with it is helping people who are coming out of prison. Maybe try to start a program for people that get out of incarceration, because a lot of people when they first get out want to go use; not all of them, but I feel like a majority of them do want to get high.
Brittany: That sounds fantastic; I think you’ll do really, really well at that. Is there a specific moment when you think about how far you’ve come, and you smile to yourself?
Robin: Yes, like last week. I was struggling a little bit. I mean, six months isn’t a lot to some people, but to me, it’s a big accomplishment. For a person who couldn’t even gather a month, or a week, it’s a big deal. There was a time when I think I was trying to kill myself, subconsciously. I was using to the point where I was hoping I just wouldn’t wake up. I just didn’t want to fight it anymore. It gets tiring. I see people out there now in their addiction, and I think to myself: “Oh my gosh; I don’t think I would know how to do that anymore”.
Brittany: Have you surprised yourself with your recovery?
Robin: Yes, because I never thought I could get clean, I truly thought I was going to die. I know that there are people who are hopeful that they will get clean one day, but I just never thought it would happen for me. The way I used…there would be times when I would be so high I couldn’t even function. And I have children. I wonder what they saw, with a mom that is just sitting there knocked out or in a daze.
Brittany: Ok, so when you got back into treatment this last time, did you think you would make it a full six months on MAT treatment?
Robin: No, but here was my advantage. I had Dr. Johnston, and I had you, Kristin and Diana. Having that familiarity was huge. And I know that Dr. Johnston actually cares about his patients. And I know that he truly, 100%, cares about me. You guys care about people. That made a big difference to me. And so I thought to myself, “How disappointed would they be if I just keep coming back and giving them bad UA’s?” I’m doing it for me as well, but just knowing that there is stability and there is someone here that actually cares about me, it makes a really big difference in a my life. I don’t have a big support system in my life. Most of my family has passed on. The thing is that I have a chance to do well, and that opportunity doesn’t always come along. So you have to take it and you have to run with it.
Brittany: I agree. I really do. I think it’s really important that you use what you have in the beginning to get to where you need to be, but as you go on, you don’t necessarily do it for other people. You begin doing it for yourself, because you begin to see what you’re capable of!
Robin: Yes! But having that little nudge does help. Like when I come in here, I don’t feel like I’m coming into a doctor’s office. I feel like I’m coming in here to see friends, I’m coming into see people that care about me. And I don’t feel like I have to be anybody but myself.

Brittany: That makes me really happy because that is the exact thing that we were really shooting for. We wanted you to know when you come in that you are a part of our family. You’re not just patients, you’re not numbers. And when it comes down to it, we want to celebrate your successes. And six months clean is phenomenal!
Robin: Thank you. I really tried, very hard. I guess I was just tired of having to struggle, and I was tired of the chase. And my children, thank goodness I was somewhat stable. But I wasn’t there emotionally for them. We tend to just blow people off because we are high.
Brittany: Do you think you can connect to your emotions and to your family better now that you’re on MAT?
Robin: Yes! It doesn’t make you feel high, it simply makes you feel normal. You’re not craving.
Brittany: How is MAT treatment specifically helped you in your recovery?
Robin: You live a normal life. You get up in the morning, you take your meds, you get on with your day, and that’s it.
Brittany: What are some of your favorite parts of being in recovery?
Robin: Just the fact that I don’t have to chase the dealer anymore. I’m free to go where I want to go again. I used to be paranoid about getting pulled over while I was high, or pulled over when I’m leaving my dealer’s house. It’s all of those little things.
Brittany: Do you think now it’s a little bit easier to be present in the moment so that you could enjoy life?
Robin: Yes, not having to be in tomorrow, or next week, or in the next six hours because you’re going to run out of dope. And it’s frustrating because you are always on the phone! I always had to make sure I had drugs to last me for the next day, and the day after that. That’s insane. It’s tiring. It’s exhausting. It’s a full time job. It consumes every part of you. Its 24 hours a day.
Brittany: What would you say is your biggest motivation to stay in recovery?
Robin: My biggest motivation? My children. My daughter was born with Down syndrome, and my son is going to graduate here soon in a couple years. They can’t have a mom that’s high. They need their mom. They need a mom that is active in their life. And that motivates me because they don’t have anybody. If something were to happen to me, they really don’t have anyone else to help. That motivates me to stay sober and to stay alive. Because ultimately, they need me.
Brittany: Who or what has made the most difference in your recovery?
Robin: Dr. Johnston. Without a doubt.
Brittany: What is one thing that you would like to tell others that are perhaps searching for help?
Robin: Not to give up. Don’t give up until the miracle happens, because it will eventually. If you really, really, really want to get sober. It might take you a million times to get clean, but as long as you have that desire, eventually it will happen. I mean, look at me. I’m only six months in, but at the same time, I can draw off of my old recovery in Alcoholics Anonymous as well. I didn’t think I was going to be able to stay sober the first time, but I did. And that’s what I’m saying, you just don’t know. You just have to keep trying and trying, but never give up. The worst part is sometimes with addicts, they don’t make it. And that’s sad, but if you really want it, you’ll eventually get it. Just keep trying. It worked for me. And thank God for that.